Guest Post: ‘Pizzaphone’ by Tony Strickland.

Late Saturday night, South Belfast. A busy takeaway pizza restaurant. The manager answers a call, and recognising the voice from a few minutes earlier, puts the phone on speaker:

There’s no toppings on my pizza! the man slurs, loudly.

What exactly is the problem sir? asks the weary manager.

I was just in your place. Got the pizza back to mine, opened the box and there was no toppings on it. And I’m friggin’ starving here. I ordered pepperoni, mushrooms, red peppers and extra tomato sauce. I open it up and all I see is the base. Where’s my fuckin’ toppings?

The manager, remembering the guy – so blocked he could barely order – was intrigued, So tell me sir, what is in your pizza box?

It’s only a bloody pizza base, there’s no toppings on it. Oh hang on a minute. Oh fuck, I’ve opened it upside down.

Everyone breaks down laughing in the pizza place.

Sorry, the drunk mumbles, I’m sorted now.

True story.

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